


twoo wuv (but gayer)

by gendzl



Category: Princess Bride (1987), The Princess Bride - William Goldman
Genre: Multi, enjoying it i guess, literally what the hell am I doing with my life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-27 11:40:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21118184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gendzl/pseuds/gendzl
Summary: "As you wish" and "I'll most likely kill you in the morning" both came to mean exactly the same thing: "I love you."





	twoo wuv (but gayer)

**Author's Note:**

> Everything's better when it's gay.
> 
> (Initially posted as a bulletpoint fic on [this tumblr post](https://affectueusement.tumblr.com/post/179574654921/hot-take-westley-is-way-too-dramatic-and-extra).)

"I'll most likely kill you in the morning" rapidly became Ryan and Westley’s "As you wish". Ryan only really meant the words as the threat they were that first night.

Westley caught on much faster than Buttercup had.

Ryan to Westley, as their ship docks in port: "Everybody on board knows we’ve been fucking, so if we're going to convince anyone that you're not a bottom, we need to get a whole new crew before we head out again."

Two weeks after they flee the castle on the Prince’s white horses, Westley turns to Buttercup over breakfast and says, "There's someone I want you to meet."

Buttercup, not much later that same morning, pacing around their small room at the inn they rented with the money they got from selling the Prince’s white horses, dressed in nothing but a nightgown: “Are you telling me that you loved someone else while you were away? While I thought you were dead?!”

Westley, distracted by her nightgown despite himself: “Well, darling, I... Hmm. It’s a funny thing, ‘love’...”

Buttercup: [doesn’t speak to him for an entire 32 minutes, her own personal record]

A week later, when they finally make their way back to Buttercup’s village to fetch the personal items she’d been forced to leave behind before moving in with the Prince, Westley notices that a lot of the unmarried gals—and a few of the married ones—are eyeing Buttercup a little too familiarly.

(This was, of course, the true source of their jealousy and anger. It wasn’t that Buttercup was more beautiful than they were, or that she was aloof, or that she stole all the boys from them, but that she was _hot as hell_ and wasn’t trying to get each of them, specifically, into bed. Ever the picky one, our bisexual Buttercup.)

Westley stops in the middle of the muddy track that leads through town, puts his hands on his hips, and says simply: _“So.”_

Buttercup keeps walking. “When I heard that you died I might have sworn never to love another, but I certainly said nothing about remaining chaste for the rest of my life.”

Ryan: [Practically falls into a cowpat he’s laughing so hard]

Naturally, everything works out between the three of them, because this is a love story and what is a love story without a guaranteed happy ending?

They return to the seas (due to the whole ‘we’re already outlaws and the prince still wants our heads’ thing) and take turns captaining the ship, because they’re all giant bisexual drama queens with no respect for the sanctity of continuity.

Everyone: “Since when is the Dread Pirate Roberts married to his first mate?”

Everyone, six years later: “Since when is the Dread Pirate Roberts a _woman?”_

They live out the rest of their days in polyamorous contentment and only a little bit of selfish wealth. Most of it they give away, because they might collectively be the Dread Pirate Roberts, sailing the most feared ship in all the waters, but they’re nothing if not conscious of the mess that Humperdick’s reign left behind.

And, due to the difficulties involved with 3 people kissing at the same time, Buttercup, Westley, and Ryan are, for the rest of their lives, in the unique position of constantly knocking themselves and each other out of the top spot for Greatest Kiss of All Time.


End file.
